Opening up about my disease is something I find extremely difficult to talk about, but I’ve been doing my best to work on it. Crohn’s Disease does not only affect you physically but mentally as well. It breaks you down mentally, kills your motivations and causes emotional stress and depression from fighting this chronic disease that has no cure with never ending symptoms. What seems to help me the most is the inspiration I get by helping and feeding off others, this is what gets me up in the morning and helps me deal with the physical and mental distress I constantly deal with. I wrote this over a month ago and haven’t posted it until now. No one really understands how hard this is for me to talk about as I keep myself very closed but here it goes.
It feels good opening up and letting people into my life and what I have to deal with on a daily basis. For something I keep so well hidden many people have no Idea. It has been extremely hard for me to talk openly about my disease and how it affects me and the people around me. I consider myself a closed person and do not let many people into the dark points of my life. If you see me when I’m grumpy or in a bad mood, I always worry people won’t like me or think I’m rude. I always try my best when I’m not feeling well, in pain or stressed to not come off rude or irritable. I really hope people can look past my attitude and insecurities when I may not always feel like myself. Whenever I’m having a bad day or I’m sick, I think about all the people in my side of ring, supporting me and cheering me on as I fight this lifelong disease. I look at all the people giving me appreciation for what I do and what I deal with. It does not matter how bad I’m feeling at the time that always feels good and motivates me. It gives me life and helps me continue growing and moving forward.
Inspiration comes from everywhere. For me if comes from the desire to help other people whether they have a similar situation or not. If one person can get inspired by reading my blogs or get motivated through my photos, I’ve done my job and makes everything worthwhile for me. I’ve never been this motivated and passionate about something before. Motivating other people invigorates me as I feed off their motivation. I’ve gone through some difficult times where my motivation dropped lower than ever before. I was 17, still on a high from graduating high school and was ready to start my life when I got some unfortunate news. I had just been diagnosed with this debilitating disease that I had never heard of before. That is the last thing you want to hear at 17. I got depressed and struggled with serious health issues for the first time in my life. I really wish I had someone to talk to who went through the same experience. I wished someone could coach me through the major lifestyle change I had to make and show me that my life was not over. I wished someone could have told me I could learn to live a fulfilling and happy lifestyle. I wish someone was there to motivate me to battle this disease, as I was going through the toughest time of my life. If someone was there to help me along, I would have realized that I do not have to hide or be ashamed of my disease.
Opening up about my disease is something I find very difficult. Friends and family rarely know the extent or the ugly parts of what I have to go through. I’ve struggled to hide it for over 6 years hoping I could just ignore it and continue on in life like nothing is wrong with me. I wanted nothing more in life than to be considered “normal” like my friends. I’ve always thought people would think I am “weird” or contagious. I thought people wouldn’t understand my disease and consider me an outcast. I thought girls would be scared off and find me gross once they find out I have Crohn’s. It has taken years, but I feel I’ve finally stopped worrying about what people think about me. It feels good to finally “come out of the closet” and let people in to a door that’s been tightly shut for years.